Ooooh my gooodneeeessss.... My journey starts getting closer and closer... It's so funny how you never realize you're really going until the sand in the time glass starts getting closer to the end. Even though I said a lot of goodbyes and shed a lot, and I mean a lot, of tears leaving Finland, it's only now that I'm coming to realize that tomorrow evening I will be boarding the plane and actually flying off to Chile.
Over the years I have developed a defense mechanism to get me through difficult times in life and until now I haven't really questioned it at all. It's always seemed to work for me, I don't feel bad for more than a few moments and then the feeling's gone. I know what I'm doing to myself is not very healthy, because our emotions are there for a reason - we need to feel even the sad feelings in order to appreciate what we have and I've always hated the saying 'You only know what you had when it's gone' because it's always been very accurate. You really don't realize the good things in life before you have to question their being. I know this has been said many, many times before by people much wiser than myself, but we take so many things granted nowadays that we really don't understand their meaning in our lives before we are either about to lose them or have already lost them.
Take friends for instance (a very appropriate subject for me now, I think) : we seem to take our friends for granted - they just are. Of course we appreciate the friendships we have and the people that stick life out with us, but we never really stop to think what friendship really means to us. It's not just about having company for a beer or a movie - it's about having someone who accepts us just the way we are with all our faults, too.I can't remember where I heard this thought, but true friends love us just as we are and might even love most those things that we despise about ourselves. They always stick around, not only for the great times but offer a shoulder when we don't seem to see the light in the end of a tunnel.
Leaving gave me a whole new perspective on things, not just friendship, but about many things that I, pleading guilty, seem to have taken for granted. Having a home, friends, easy access to the heart of the city, having the nature right around my corner and living in an environment that has accepted me just as I am. Now when I have to go into this whole new environment, the unknown, I think it will mean even more to me. I have to rebuild this trust and closeness from scratch with people I haven't even met yet. This is actually very scary. How can I be sure that I will fit in and that I will be accepted? Truthfully? I can't.
This is why I panicked today. For the first time since I found out that I will be going to Chile, today was the day I realized all of this. Having this pit stop at my mom's gave me the illusion, probably since last December, that I will come visit her and then return to Finland like I always have. Now that it's the eve of my departure I realized everything that I need to build up in this new environment: friendships, connections, my study environment, phuh, there's so much.. Today I realized that I am not flying back to Finland tomorrow but instead boarding a plane to South America. Still, I don't think it's going to hit me until I hear this: 'This is your Captain speaking. Our flight time to Santiago de Chile will be ten hours, fifty five minutes. The weather now is...' Damn, I feel sorry for the person sitting next to me, because I will break down in tears. I know that.
It's not that I'm not excited to go. Like I wrote in my last post, this has been my dream for over 15 years. I can't wait to get to South America and get to discover my Latina side, but going there from all this that is so familiar to me just to realize that I am so alone on the other side of the world, away from my loved ones, goodbyes said, bags packed. It scares the living hell out of me, to be completely honest. I know that all I have to do, all I owe to myself and my friends and family, is to be myself and try to build a life there based on what I have, but just knowing that it all has to start from scratch is petrifying.
Now, here I have another set of byes to say and it breaks my heart again, into even smaller pieces. I thought, in a weird way, that it would be easier here, since I always only visit, but like every time I leave back to Finland, I will be leaving again and it hurts. Every time, just as much. But once again, to miss someone is to care about someone and I know I care. Why else would I be so sad to go. Now don't get me wrong, I cherish this opportunity that has been given to me and I intend to take everything I can from this year back home with me, just please try to understand that these first few days at least will be in my emotional mind all about the byes I said and all that I had to leave behind. Friends, work, family, the safety of my home. But, I promise you guys, these posts will get happier in time :)
Off to bed now, have a very hard day ahead of me tomorrow, both emotionally and physically with the long flight. Just hope I can get some sleep, it's all hitting me again... Phuuuuh... Meditation needed...
Love you guys <3
Stay tuned,
Yours,
Maria
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