One week check point

Hello again you wonderful peeps!
Sorry I've kept a bit to myself lately, started university on Monday and since then been way too tired to even think about getting anything written down here that would make any sense :) But now, I'll let you know about my first week in Santiago.

Still can't believe it's only been a week, I feel so at home over here that it feels unbelievable! Now that I know how the metro works and am not afraid to take it anymore, know the language already so much better than I did a week ago when I arrived, I feel that I have so much to do here, so many things to see and now finally I can do it because I have at least some sort of means of communication. I can't believe how at home I feel, it's an unbelievable feeling because for the first time in my life I feel like I belong. You guys know that I like Finland, but for some reason, not standing out as the 'latina' one feels so damn good. Having people around me that look like me for the first time in my life brings me such a feeling of belonging, that is hard to explain in words. But I have that feeling now. I feel like I belong - like I'm a part of something great and that I'm the majority for once. It feels good, believe me or not, contrary to what a lot of people want to achieve (standing out), being a part of a crowd where no one looks at you for being a bit different but accepts the fact that "hey, you're latina like I am", is an unbelievable feeling to have for the first time.

Another reason why I'm having a hard time believing that it's only been a week since I arrived is that thanks to this amazing family, I have had the opportunity to experience a lot already! And not this touristy stuff that you might think, but what I think is even better: normal things that local families do. Going to the market buying vegetables, going to the supermarket, having a really big family dinner. The are all things that I wouldn't have had the opportunity to experience if this family wouldn't have taken me in to stay with them. I like seeing how the normal, local family lives and the errands they run and being a part of it. It's very similar to how people everywhere live, but being here and getting the opportunity to see how a Chilean family functions is just as valuable to me than going around sight-seeing.  I'll get a chance to do that later but right now I appreciate getting to know the customs and habits of locals, just living their lives.

So.... School.... haha it's been a rollercoaster up until now. The campus area is great, our class mates are hilarious and we have this amazing teacher in one class who reminds me so much of the comedian Gabriel Iglesias that it's hard not to laugh before he's even started his lectures. He's amazing! :) Right now I'm taking Tourism Development, Chilean Attractions and Services, Philosophical Anthropology ( WHICH I ABSOLUTELY LOVE!!!), Guiding and Customer Service, World Heritage and Destination and to top it all off: Advanced English. Most of the courses I have liked so far, but this advanced English... No offence to anyone but I'd much rather be learning how to say 'Hello. Who are you? My name is Maria' in Portuguese, not in English. I like the teacher and it's good fun, but I hink I could use my time better learning a new language rather than sitting in class learning to pronounce BOOT, SHOE, TREE.... We'll see, I think Jenni is even more annoyed by this class than I am, but I don't really mind in the sense that I get to help my classmates when they are having a hard time, and it's great, not just because I can help, but it's also creating a stronger bond between us, when we can ask each other for support and be there to support one another.

I only have classes on four days; Monday through Thursday, which is awesome, and, to top it all off, I am in the afternoon classes, which means that the earliest my classes start is 1PM. The only downside to this is that we only get out at 6PM, but I'd much rather take the not SO crowded metros in the evening than the oh so very crowded metros in the early  morning. It's good. And it's been a blessing now during the first week because we have had time to run errands with Jenni before class, looking at apartments and residences, and DIN DIN DIIII!!!! yesterday..... we got our Chilean ID numbers!!! so now we're officially here in the Chilean system also, feels sooooooo goood! Finally!

Haha have to tell you a funny thing we did yesterday woth a few people from the class. This is another thing where we could distinctively see the difference between the Latin and Finnish cultures. It's great :) So we ended class early and had some time to kill. Jenni and I were trying to think of smething to do, when all of a sudden our classmates come up to us and say come with us, were going to the bar next to the school, we go there all the time! So, being polite and all, we though we have to go. No, just kidding, of course we went with delight! :P So there we were sitting, drinking our drinks (Terremotos [eathquake]), having fun and returning to school, watching classmates try to sit through English class has never been so funny :D Jenni and I of course only had one, but the rest, they were enjoying themselves ;)
So to sum it up, I like our University, like the teachers, our classmates are a lot of fun and can't wait to go back on Monday.

Before I go downstairs, ( I don't know what's up with my writing now, can't seem to get anything god written down...) I have to tell you about another very Chilean experience I had this morning at 6am. I woke up to my bed shaking and was petrified that it was a ghost or something! When I woke up properly, I saw my phone's light go on and saw a message from Jenni: "Just woke up because of my bed shaking due to the earthquake!" So, coming to my senses, I realized that I had experienced my first earthquake! Yikes! Thank goodness it was only a very small and short one, but scared the hell out of me, waking up to that from a very deep sleep. But, I guess there'll be many more of them, now I at least know how one feels like so I don't lose my mind thinking that ghosts are following me... :)

Have to get some coffee, maybe that'd make my writing better. I'll be back, don't you worry :P Ahahahaha! And let you know more about my life now that I'm studying and settling into the rythm of this life. Just want you to know that I absolutely love it here because I have people around me that care about me, who are doing everything in their power to make me feel like home (and succeeding in it very well) and I have this feeling of belonging that I've never had before. It's a weird feeling for me, but such a great one.

Catch up later,
love you guys,
Take care,
yours,
Maria

'The colors of the rainbow, so pretty in the sky...'

EMy fourth day here in Santiago was a very pleasant, chilled one. It’s a Saturday, so everyone slept a bit longer since there was no school or work, we had a nice breakfast with the famous Chilean bread (which actually is pretty amazing), coffee and that sort. What I love about living in a family again is that meals are always, always eaten together. Maybe it’s more characteristic to the Latin culture, but since I've been here there hasn't been one meal that would not have been eaten together. It’s a nice way to gather everyone around the same table and just simply spend time together. I know we attempted this in Finland while I was still living at home, but everyone’s schedule was so different and hectic that there simply wasn't time to have a meal together very often.

Now that I live by myself in Finland I have completely lost the meaning to having meals together because I never have any company. Here I adore the way everyone cooks together, sets the table and participates. Me (embarrassed to admit this, but hey, it’s a blog and I’m going to be honest), I sometimes eat my pasta straight out of the pot! I love these moments we share with the family. And with the hospitality that I have been greeted with, I am starting to feel like a part of it too. I am so very grateful for this family for everything.

Amazed by the colors

Now I have something awesome to tell you about! Today, Freddy and Angela took me to the local Feria, the market to buy fruit and vegetables. It’s kind of similar to what we have in Helsinki, but so much more colorful and in its own way, authentic. It’s exactly what you would imagine a marketplace looking over here with the scent of fresh cilantro and different kinds of spices lingering in the air while your eye rests on the sea of colors made up from the massive selections of fruits and vegetables. I was simply amazed.

And.. again, what makes it even more like straight from a movie is that the setting for this market were the Andes in the background. It’s such a shame I can’t share the scents of the feria with you because ahhh, it was almost magical. I know the locals might think I’m ‘loca’ for going on and on about the scents they live with every day, but coming from Helsinki where scents are limited to well, asphalt, snow and rain, the occasional flowers, for me, this is a new, magical world and I love it! Another thing I loved about the feria, was that I looked like the crowd! I was amongst the tall ones there, didn’t get stomped on by big, tall blondes but actually saw something.I felt like a baby over there in a sense that this truly was a new world to me: I have never felt like a part of the majority, NEVER felt tall and never seen anything like this before.

I think this is another reason why I feel so at home here already. Even though everything is so new and different, it’s in a very peculiar sense so familiar to me. I feel like I belong. Hopefully even more so when I learn the language properly. I was discussing this with mom before I left. I have Colombian roots but am very Finnish in my manners, habits and the way I am. But then inside me there has always been a hint of Latina and I know it’s sad and blablabla talking about my height issues, but if you've never had to deal with degrading comments because of your height, have people think you’re 15 when you actually are 20 and always and constantly been reminded about the fact that you are short, finally being in an environment where I am NORMAL feels so damn good! So my point here was, that my mom and I were wondering if I would feel even more Finnish here in Santiago, if my ‘Finnishness’ would take over and like I felt that I wanted to go back and that I didn’t belong here. Our other option was that I would finally feel like I belonged, finally feel the relief of walking around people who look like me and have, funnily enough, a similar sense of humor that I have. I am so happy to tell you that how I feel, is that I finally, finally belong. I am surprised that I can say this only after four days but the sensation is so overwhelming! It’s like from the movies where I just want to laugh out loud for no apparent reason because I feel so happy, so happy to be here, so happy that I decided to travel here, so happy that I feel the way I do.

Today I understand again a bit more and have had the guts to actually speak more even though I think I might come off as a mute. I told my host family at lunch that it’s so annoying when I understand what they are saying and really want to reply something and even have some of the words ready but I can’t get them out and I can’t speak when I really want to because I finally understand what the conversations are about. But no.. Maybe soon, they said that in two weeks I’d be able to speak already. Can’t wait for that moment to happen where I can finally communicate with people without pausing all the time to think. Patience, patience, patience. Now I’m just happy and proud of myself that I have learnt to understand more and more each day I spend here. I love how patient this family is with me.

Tomorrow we are going to go see an apartment for Jenni and me, hope we could find one soon but there seems to be nothing on the market in the areas that we need to look from.  We also found Student Residencies that have everything in them, studies, computer rooms, kitchens, dining rooms and I loved this idea! They are specifically for students and have Chileans, but also international exchange students from all over the world. Best part is that one is only a 5 minute walk from our University and the other one is next to the mall, three metro stops from the school, awesomeness! I think this would be the best option for us!

Host-mom Angela and I

I can’t believe everything this family is doing for me, and us. They are searching for these apartments, helping me figure out how to get to the University, driving me back from the metro station when it is darks and taking me along in all their daily activities, which I absolutely love because I get to see the normal lives of Chileans. Because they are so nice, helpful and honest in what they do,  I can’t help but sometimes feeling guilty of being here because I don’t know what I could do in return and as a thank you for my host family of having me here! I feel so bad sometimes taking up space and eating their foods, but at the same time am so thankful for them that they have taken me in and given me all this. The hospitality still amazes me. Wish there just was some way other than constantly thanking the, to show how grateful I am. Maybe I’ll invite them to have a Finnish dinner once I have a place and once I learn to cook one... No, I think I might do that J

Anywhoooo, sorry, tired blogger here, today stayed in most of the day, updated Facebook and uploaded some pictures, tomorrow’s the apartment showing and Monday… I start school! Yikes! Found out that they have a girls’ football (or soccer, who knows  :P) team and I really, really would like to join it, hope it’s possible. Looking forward to Monday with nervousness but excitement!

You will be hearing about me again tomorrow, thank you for having the patience to read my long entries, I really appreciate it! Hope I can write in a way that you guys could grasp even a little of how amazing it has been over here!

Tune in again!
Yours,
Maria

'Take my breath awayyyyyyyyyy... -ayyyyy... oooooh' My song for dem Andes

After lunch on my second day here, my host-mom asked me if I wanted to go with them. I still didn’t understand exactly where we were going, but I’d take any excuse to see places I’d never been before, so I jumped at the opportunity and decided to go. We jumped into the car and off we were. She showed me the route to the metro I have to take to school and it’s actually quite simple to find. The only sucky part (coming from living in the center of Helsinki) is that I have to walk for about 25 minutes (I know, oh mi goodness xD) to even get to the station. But anyways, now I know where it is and it makes life so much more simple. Now I have a route to take if I want to go to the shopping mall (only 4 stops away with one metro) or to school (2 metros, but not a long trip). I remember on my first day here when I went for my walk I had absolutely no idea where I was supposed to go, so I walked for about 15 minutes. Lol. Now my world here is already much bigger and I can go places better.

Angela drove me around the Nunoa neighborhood, or Barrio, as they call them here and all the way to the Barrio of Providencia where my school is located. I gotta say, it was a relief seeing the metropolitan area because I thought this was it, the suburbs and even around my school it was very quiet and sall compared to even Helsinki. With Jenni we thought that we’d never see more people or the city area but now with our metro connection to the local mall, we have found one part of the bigger city with more people. And there’s yet so much to discover!

After the car ride I came home and ‘Whatsappe’d’ Jenni. I found the mall, we should go! So, we decided to meet around 5.30 PM at the metro station and so we did. Holy cow, I must say I was petrified of taking the metro for the first time, and I had to do it by myself. It’s not that Im afraid of adventure, but I’ve never been keen on metros, and leaving the house knowing that it would be pitch black dark when I was going to come back was a bit of a scary idea. But I did it, and in the end, the metro seemed very clean and simple, so that even I (ME, who gets lost in the Helsinki metro with only two rails….!) could manage taking it to scool and to town. Gives me much more freedom and a ence of security in a way now that I start to know my way around even a little.

During these three days I’m happy to say that my understanding of the Chilean accent has gotten a lot better even though it might not be visible to the host-family due to my continued chipmunkness, still. I have learnt to distinguish in which words they leave letters out and thus it’s much more easy to understand their fast speaking pace. Now it’s not just a continupus ramble of words but now that I’ve learnt in what way they say some words and what they add after others, it’s much more easy to follow conversations. I can’t yet speak in this way, but I’ve started to mimic them to an extent so that instead of saying ‘Como estais?’ I now say ‘Como tai?’ and instead of saying ‘Estan rico (tasty food), I say ‘Tan rico’. It seems very simple and like a small deal on paper, but when you’re listening to rapid speech constantly, it makes the worlds difference to understand these little things of their specific dialect. And I’m so happy that already after three days I’m capable of understanding more. In speaking, I definitely need more time… But with this small advancement I have more hope that I did yesterday and the day before.

Another veeeery peculiar thing that I have noticed in only three days is, that when I think back to my blog entries or chat conversations I’ve had with people, the first language I think about them by is Spanish. Not that I could write this in Spanish, but specific words and sentences don’t come into my mind in English, definitely not Finnish, but in Spanish. I have no idea where it came from but I find it very interesting. And even though the first day I dreaded the fact that no one really speaks English here, I now feel that it’s so very good to wake up every morning to a completely Spanish speaking environment, because if you start your day from the get-go with a certain language and continue to use it throughout the day it starts to stick. I’m so happy that I can see these small advances already myself, just hope that others could see them too soon. Really want to be able to properly communicate.

Like I earlier mentioned, the family I’m staying with for the start is absolutely awesome. It includes a mom, dad, two daughters (aged 14 and 17) and an extremely cute grandma. The eldest daughter has been an exchange student herself in Switzerland and knows English which, despite my huge advances lol, comes in handy when I need help. She is so open, keen to help and extremely nice towards me. It’s great that she understands what I’m going through because she’s been through it herself, too. I appreciate all her help so much and so do her parents J Angela and Freddy are amazing too, so helpful in teaching me the routes, picking me up by car from the metro station in the evening when it’s too dark for a girl to walk alone, teaching me words and just in having me as a guest and being amazing hosts. I feel welcome and now that I’ve learnt to communicate with them more, it’s possible to have a conversation deeper that ‘si’, ‘no’ or ‘

no se’.

Also now that I’ve learnt the rout to the metro station and know sort of where we are situated, I feel much more secure and settled in here than I did before. And the good thing about this is, that it’s only my third day here.

Ooooh… Before I finish this entry, I have to mention the Andes. Holy cow.. I didn’t notice they were so close before today because it’s been so cloudy and rainy for the past two days but MAMMA MIA, when I looked out of the window this morning and saw the mountains from the window, I almost fainted…. Coming from Finland where Lapland has the most mountain-like features, this view was simply paralyzing. And to me the most amazing thing is, that you can see a palm tree at the same time as the Andes rise in the distance. It’s so surreal and so different from back home I know Toolo was an amazing nature scene in Helsinki but seeing the Andes from your window is something else. Just WOW.
 I’ll add here a picture taken from in front of our house so that you can see what the view on the street is like (with the Andes in the background) and another one of the Andes and me. Simply breathtaking. The Andes I mean. Not me. No no. Ahh, but the view.

Me and the Andes

The view from my home street

More later on again, enjoying my last free days before school starts :) that's gonna be interesting :)

Anywhooo, take care of yourselves and others,

be back later,

yours,

Maria

Here as in HERE.... wow

White stone buildings surround me, a few palm trees here and there, black street signs with names on them that don’t yet mean anything to me. The streets looked abandoned and there is no soul to be seen anywhere. A car finally drives past but scares the living hell out of me by honking its horn as it gets closer by. Startled, I stop and continue walking as I realized this is probably something I have to get used to. Not because I would stand out with my stunning beauty, haha no, but because it is a part of the Latin culture.

So yeah, righty-o: just came back from my little venture around the neighborhood and I gotta say I was a little scared. It’s just all so different from back home where I’m used to tons of people always walking with me and around me, having buses and trams go by and actually knowing where I am and where I’m supposed to go. Now, my host-mom asked me what I wanted to do and I said a walk around the neighborhood would be nice even though it’s pouring rain. So, she went to get me a raincoat and an umbrella from the car so I obviously thought she was coming with me. But then she gave me the keys and said: ‘hasta pronto’, and off I was. I walk without a destination, which would’ve been better if it wasn’t only my fifth HOUR here and I had someone to ask directions from. I know it may be a little prejudice to think this way, but I have been warned about it by several different people: don’t trust the locals just yet, and especially the men. So that’s the rule what by I went now on my first expedition of a neighborhood in Providencia.

My God’s gift right now is that I look like the locals so as long as I kept walking looking like I had a destination and a purpose being there while other students are in school, I was fine. It was the moments when I hit a crossing of streets and saw a place in front of me that didn’t look all that appealing. So I stood there, looking like a lost puppy and then casually turned away and walked back. Not weird at all, no. I think in a bigger city ( I am still in Santiago, but I mean the center of the city) might’ve been different, because there are museums, clean looking café’s and shops I could’ve popped into. But in a neighborhood – which is one of the safest neighborhoods in all of Santiago – where there is no one around and I have absolutely no clue where I was supposed to go, it’s not a nice feeling. Company woul have been nice on the first expedition. At least now I’ve done it.

It is one of the most beautiful neighborhoods I’ve seen in my life, and with the sun shining I bet it would’ve been even more impressing, but now with all of the houses looking exactly the same, with me forgetting to look at our house when I left, it’s needless to say that I got lost – several times :D Lucky for me I’ve always thought that by getting lost in a city is a best way to explore it and by knowing your limits and a little bit about the ambiance of the place, you can actually have a really great time. This is what I did in April in New York when I took a bus into the city and just started walking. Now my only problem was that I had absolutely no clue what was where, what was a safe turn to take and if there was some place I should avoid. It was a little nerve wrecking.

I’ve been fighting all my life to destroy these sort of prejudice attitudes towards South America, but hearing the warning voices in my head I was bound to stay a little alert. Don’t trust people from the get go, don’t look lost and just keep to yourself and make them believe you’re a local. And this is what I did. Despite of the occasional horn honking, I think I did a pretty good job because even though I got some looks, no one dared to look at me longer or talk to me quite yet. Buthey, as I was told at work a few weeks back I am very scary. Gotta say though, I have never been happier about blending into the local population and not raising attention. Especially during these first weeks I think it will become very handy and I will thank my luck many times. Still, on my next exploration, I would like to have some company, a local or my friend Jenni who also arrived here today and will study with me in the same school for the following year. Someone to talk to so that I wouldn’t look so sad and lonely and that I actually do have a purpose wondering the streets.

I think it’s a little pathetic, and I hate to admit it, but I got a hint of home sickness already, not because I hate being here, but because it’s all so new and so different and that I don’t have anyone to share it with. It’s so awkward going downstairs and try to understand what these people are trying to say and to see their frustration when I don’t get it the first time. Where’s my back deck afternoon coffee with mom? Where’s the safe and calming ambiance of everything that’s so familiar to me? Where’s someone to talk to and share this with? Mom was right, the language barrier will be very frustrating for a while and this is why I’m extremely happy to be starting school in a few days. To get to be with other students, other exchange students and around people again, studying and actually having something to do during the day. This is also why I loved working so much: I had something to do. I wasn’t just sitting at home feeling awkward, but I had people around me and I actually knew what I was doing. Now it all is just such a big question mark, it’s all still so awkward and it would be great to have someone familiar to talk to and to just learn enough of this dialect to understand what they’re asking me and what and how I need to answer. Need to get the Wi-Fi password…. J then I can start posting these for you guys to read and not just tap tap tap on my keyboard alone here upstairs.

Maybe I should go down now, see if I can be of help? The hospitality just is like this: juuuust relaaax and take it eaaaasyyy’. I need to get to do something. Damn.. now she came in asking something but I’m not sure is she was asking me to go to a factory someplace with her or if she was asking if I was alright by myself for a while. These situations I hate. Then I just nod my head, answer something awkwardly and end up confused again… shiiit… but now got the Wi-Fi password so let’s try if someone wants to Skype J

Later,
Yours,

Maria

Good God.. Now I’m here. I’m sitting on my bed in the house where I’ll be staying for, well until I find an apartment of my own, looking around but still clearly not capable of grasping the reality of the situation I got myself into.

The amount of confusion rushing through my head is unbelievable. On the flight over I still couldn’t believe where I was going, but as the landing started to approach, I happened to glance at my neighbor’s screen and saw the outline of South America. The feeling that rose in me can’t be described by words because the moment I realized I was about to land in South America just didn’t seem real. It still doesn’t. And now I’m actually here.

Everything seems so normal. I arrived at the airport and Sra. and Sr. Rodriguez were there to greet me (known from now on as Angela and Freddy :P). I jumped into their car still not knowing where I was (don’t do this if you don’t have an agreed pick up appointment, just by the way). We started our journey through Santiago and finally arrived at their house. I was showed to my room which is more a corner of their upstairs living room, taken down to breakfast while I still probably looked like a confused chipmunk. I came into a normal family with a mom, dad, two daughters and a grandma cuter than a puppy, and everything just seems so normal. It throws me off. Of course my chipmunk like activity had continued throughout the morning because hell, I still don’t understand that I’m actually in Chile.

And why am I acting like a chipmunk? The sole reason for my utterly confused look is that most of the time I have no idea what I’m supposed to do. I understand Spanish pretty well and can speak it to an extent, but the way these Latinos speak, their pace – very fast - , and their own distinctive dialect has left me in the dark. I just stand around looking like a fool, asking if I can help but told to always just take it easy and relax. Haha have to add here that you’ll never guess what’s playing downstairs? ABBA! I was told that I’d feel more Finnish here than I had ever in my life before and I think it might be very true. The part of me that is missing is accentuated when I hear, smell or see something relating to Finland. ‘Chiquitita, tell me what’s wrooooooooooooooooooong’?

The answer: nothing’s wrong. Just confusing. These people don’t speak a word of English and after leaving Finland and staying with my mom in the States, being all of a sudden thrown into a world where I do nothing with my English and have to speak and understand Spanish can be very unsettling. Obviously I’m not the most secure person in the world and having to all of a sudden mutter this and that in Spanish to native speakers is terrifying. Especially after a long journey when the simplest words seem to escape my mind. Now as I’m writing this in English, I’m actually quite scared of going downstairs again because I know I’ll have to switch into Spanish again and when I’m this tired it’s not something I look forward to right now especially when I can’t help things with English. And holy craaaap it’s cold inside! I feel like my toes and nose will fall off any minute.

But anyway, my mom gave me a very good piece of advice at the airport: she told me that I will get so frustrated with this language issue every now and then but as time goes by and I learn to communicate with the locals it will get easier. And as sad and pathetic as this sounds, I won’t be surprised if I want to go back home after a few days struggle with communication. But even though I am so very grateful to these people for taking me in, I think it will also get a little easier when I’m living on my own and don’t have to constantly have my chipmunk face on and asking ‘scuuusmiiiii?’. It doesn’t feel good to me and I don’t know, maybe they don’t appreciate it either so much, that someone doesn’t speak their language. But Angela and Freddy are awesome though, they have patience with me. Just wish I had it with myself too. Going to cut me some slack now though – only been here for three hours. It’ll pick up and I can finally decrease my chipmunkness. Now need to go ounder the covers because I’m literally shaking of the cold.. hrrrr…

Later again guys!

Love, yours,

Maria

' Highway Run, Under the Midnight Sun ' ... reality strikes

Ooooh my gooodneeeessss.... My journey starts getting closer and closer... It's so funny how you never realize you're really going until the sand in the time glass starts getting closer to the end. Even though I said a lot of goodbyes and shed a lot, and I mean a lot, of tears leaving Finland, it's only now that I'm coming to realize that tomorrow evening I will be boarding the plane and actually flying off to Chile.

Over the years I have developed a defense mechanism to get me through difficult times in life and until now I haven't really questioned it at all. It's always seemed to work for me, I don't feel bad for more than a few moments and then the feeling's gone. I know what I'm doing to myself is not very healthy, because our emotions are there for a reason - we need to feel even the sad feelings in order to appreciate what we have and I've always hated the saying 'You only know what you had when it's gone' because it's always been very accurate. You really don't realize the good things in life before you have to question their being. I know this has been said many, many times before by people much wiser than myself, but we take so many things granted nowadays that we really don't understand their meaning in our lives before we are either about to lose them or have already lost them.

Take friends for instance (a very appropriate subject for me now, I think) : we seem to take our friends for granted - they just are. Of course we appreciate the friendships we have and the people that stick life out with us, but we never really stop to think what friendship really means to us. It's not just about having company for a beer or a movie - it's about having someone who accepts us just the way we are with all our faults, too.I can't remember where I heard this thought, but true friends love us just as we are and might even love most those things that we despise about ourselves. They always stick around, not only for the great times but offer a shoulder when we don't seem to see the light in the end of a tunnel.

Leaving gave me a whole new perspective on things, not just friendship, but about many things that I, pleading guilty, seem to have taken for granted. Having a home, friends, easy access to the heart of the city, having the nature right around my corner and living in an environment that has accepted me just as I am. Now when I have to go into this whole new environment, the unknown, I think it will mean even more to me. I have to rebuild this trust and closeness from scratch with people I haven't even met yet. This is actually very scary. How can I be sure that I will fit in and that I will be accepted? Truthfully? I can't.

This is why I panicked today. For the first time since I found out that I will be going to Chile, today was the day I realized all of this. Having this pit stop at my mom's gave me the illusion, probably since last December, that I will come visit her and then return to Finland like I always have. Now that it's the eve of my departure I realized everything that I need to build up in this new environment: friendships, connections, my study environment, phuh, there's so much.. Today I realized that I am not  flying back to Finland tomorrow but instead boarding a plane to South America. Still, I don't think it's going to hit me until I hear this: 'This is your Captain speaking. Our flight time to Santiago de Chile will be ten hours, fifty five minutes. The weather now is...' Damn, I feel sorry for the person sitting next to me, because I will break down in tears. I know that.

It's not that I'm not excited to go. Like I wrote in my last post, this has been my dream for over 15 years. I can't wait to get to South America and get to discover my Latina side, but going there from all this that is so familiar to me just to realize that I am so alone on the other side of the world, away from my loved ones, goodbyes said, bags packed. It scares the living hell out of me, to be completely honest. I know that all I have to do, all I owe to myself and my friends and family, is to be myself and try to build a life there based on what I have, but just knowing that it all has to start from scratch is petrifying.

Now, here I have another set of byes to say and it breaks my heart again, into even smaller pieces. I thought, in a weird way, that it would be easier here, since I always only visit, but like every time I leave back to Finland, I will be leaving again and it hurts. Every time, just as much. But once again, to miss someone is to care about someone and I know I care. Why else would I be so sad to go. Now don't get me wrong, I cherish this opportunity that has been given to me and I intend to take everything I can from this year back home with me, just please try to understand that these first few days at least will be in my emotional mind all about the byes I said and all that I had to leave behind. Friends, work, family, the safety of my home. But, I promise you guys, these posts will get happier in time :)

Off to bed now, have a very hard day ahead of me tomorrow, both emotionally and physically with the long flight. Just hope I can get some sleep, it's all hitting me again... Phuuuuh... Meditation needed...

Love you guys <3
Stay tuned,
Yours,
Maria

Beginning the Journey of a Lifetime

Phuh.. An overwhelming gash of emotions run through me as I sit at the gate of Helsinki International Airport, ready to start my journey towards Santiago de Chile. As many of you already know, my roots take me back to Colombia, and a few of you have heard over and over again my whining of how I want to get away from Finland and  find out who I really am. I know I'm very Finnish, but the little Colombian inside me needs to know how it feels like to actually live in South America and to see, if there is still a hint of Latina in me. My parents are used to my  'manana, manana' attitude, very characteristic to a Latina, but I want to, and need to, know if there's more to it than that. After 20 years of wanting to discover the Latin part of me, I have finally been granted the opportunity to learn more about my past by embarking on a journey of a lifetime.

Now how exactly is this possible?  Last autumn I was lucky enough to be accepted to study Tourism in Laurea University of Applied Sciences and being a multicultural study environment, they were very keen on sending their students abroad on international study exchanges. I chose Chile as my destination. Early this year, after a loooooong wait, I found out that I was accepted for this exchange program! After a lot of running around taking care of errands and a whirlpool of mixed emotions I am finally coming to terms with my lifelong dream coming true.

It's actually very difficult trying to explain the emotions I'm going through to someone that doesn't feel so strongly about a certain place, but let me tell you, when you have been dreaming of something for over 15 years, it is very hard to believe that this dream is finally coming true. When still in Finland, I went through a rough roller-coaster of emotions because leaving was actually a lot harder than I expected it to be. I realized that even though I will only be gone fro a year, the amount of goodbyes to say was huge. While at the same time it  is unbelievably sad to say bye to your friends and loved ones, it is also a nice feeling to know that you have influenced these peoples lives because it's so hard to let go. I once learnt a saying: 'To miss someone is to care about someone' - this is exactly how it feels. The harder it is to leave something - and someone - behind, the more you know that you are loved and that there is always a reason to go back.

After a lot of tears, doubt of whether I was doing the right thing and mixed emotions, I finally got on the plane and started my journey. Now I'm staying with my mom for a few days as a 'pit stop' and having the best time in a long time (because let's face the truth, I don't see her much and definitely not as much as I would like to), and then on Tuesday evening I will be spreading my wings and heading off to Chile where there will be a whole lot of new things to learn and to experience. A chapter in my life that I have been waiting forever to be written and now, it will be and the best part, I get to be the author and I hope this will be a chapter of lots of laughs, adventures and emotions of belonging and finding out who I really am and where in this world I belong.

Vaya con Dios,
check in later again,
yours, Maria