sorry again, it's been too long... Guess life turned out good over on this side of the world since I apparently haven't had that much time to write :) Now that I've had a little more time at home to think things over and recap these months in Chile it's finally hitting me; in only five more weeks I'll be on the plane on my way back to my other home, Finland.
Back in August last year as I was finishing my work and frantically packing my things, With a Little Help from My Friends ( ;) see what I did there?), haha I thought to myself 'Wow, one year, a long time and it's not going to be easy and it's going to go by so slowly...' Now in April with only five weeks to go, I can't believe how the time has flown. It's a bit ridiculous actually, in a weird way :) In a way I feel like this is my home already, like I belong here and that the thought of leaving for good is totally absurb44, but on the other hand I feel like there is still so much to see and do, that I'm only now getting used to being here and that I definitely am not ready to leave yet.
Even though there is still some time to go, I've had to mentally try to accustom to the thought of leaving. This is why I have had to start to say goodbye to places I probably wont go anymore and to things I probably wont be able to do in these few weeks. Because of this I think the reality has really hit me. I'll go to places and think to myself, wow, this might be the last time I see this corner store, smell these streets and bump into these people. I know you guys might think that it's not healthy you know, enjoy the time you have there and don't think about leaving yet. I know this is true, but I just don't work that way.. I get emotionally attached to places and people very easily which, on the other hand, is a great way of coping, but on the other, always makes it harder to leave and say goodbye. So I decided to write... This post is about me recapping the past months and saying my thank yous and goodbyes to some of the things I have experienced during this year.
Despite my occasional days of breakdowns and enormous quantities of missing home, Chile has been so good to me. I have been really fortunate to meet people that I hope will be in my life forever, you know who you are, to see places a few people will have the opportunity to see and have had the opportunity to live in another country, to find my roots and to do some more of self-searching.
I finally feel like the part of me that was looking for some sort of acceptance, the part of me that was always missing, has been, at least partially, found and filled. For me coming to South America was a very conscious and deliberate decision. I needed to know. I needed to know which parts of me and my foundation came from South America, was I really built of my genes or of my surroundings. What I found rather amazing is, that even though I find myself very odd in Finland, living here has proven to me that in fact, I am very Finnish. It doesn't really matter where your genetics come from - what matters is where you grew up and which people surrounded you. Some times I really have felt here that I do belong. I look like everyone else, finally speak the language fluently enough and this really does feel like another home. Still, I continue to miss Finland and my home and family over there. Yes mom, that includes you ;)
It's funny how adaptable the human race is. I can't remember the last time I was properly settled in one place. I feel like I have always had my other foot out the door, looking for something new and different, for experiences and that missing part of me. Now that I have been here, I'm really looking forward to the future where I can finally settle in Helsinki, well, for a bit at least, work, study and live my life over there. I have always admired people who settle in any place they are with no difficulties and who can establish a life wherever they go. I didn't use to be one of these people. Now though, that I have been living on the other side of the world on my own, I think I finally have learnt the art of this. Home is not always where 'home' is, it's where you and your heart is. If you make the decision to go somewhere, you have to be ready to feel good about this choice and live with it. Like my mom always tells me, 'you can always come back home if things don't go the way planned. All you need to do is try'. I feel that after a few months here, I have finally been able to accept this wisdom and therefore it's actually like leaving home. Who knows where the next adventure will take me, but for now I can't wait to just be.
Thank God for writing. Needed to clear my head a little, feel like saying goodbye is always too concrete and like my mom told me today, I seem to always put myself in a situation where I have to leave. But what I'm happy to tell all of you now is that I am so happy and feeling good. I live in a great city, have good friends and live with people who have become my family. I feel like now I have yet another Chilean sister and aunt :)
Even though I know there will be rough times, home sickness and days when I'll only want to stay in bed and dream of Finland, I will not let these five weeks go to waste and enjoy the time of my life. There will never be an experience like this. The crime I have committed before is not enjoying the present, always looking in the rear-view mirror or waiting for the future. I'm determined not to let this happen anymore and will still continue to learn to appreciate the moment.
Because after all, 'yesterday is in the past, tomorrow is the future but today is a gift. That't why it's called the present.'Live, laugh and love,
will get back to you soon,
With love,
-M
