I know it's been a while since my last post, but so much has happened in these five months that I feel like I needed this break to try to figure out my head and all the overwhelming things that have happened to me during this time. I'm sorry if this post might seem a bit dark, but as before, when fall arrives and days get shorter and sunlight seems to be imagination, I get a bit more thoughtful and allow myself to process these thoughts, so I am sorry if it's a bit heavy, but I needed to get these words down, for me. So here goes.
I feel like in life things happen for a reason and we either make decisions and decide upon things on our own, or then life throws something at you and you are left to deal with the outcomes of the situation. For a very long time I have tried to take responsibility about things that never had anything to do with me and ran away from them. I felt like everything that happened, mainly now the 'sucky' things, were in some way linked to my behavior and my actions. I took responsibility of them and therefore I have always tried to be the 'good one who never upsets anyone'. I have always tried to be the peacemaker in life and I feel that finally, only now I realize, that I am only accountable for the outcome of decisions that I have made, not the ones that were thrown at me.
For a long time now I have been running away from feelings caused by certain things that have taken place in my life even though I have on some level recognized that things didn't play out the way they did because of something I said or did once. They just happened. Running away from these feelings have caused me to build a wall around myself that only few people can pass. This is all still very weird for me, because all of this is only coming to me now as I write and it has taken me a long time to be able to put these thoughts on paper. I know they might not be interesting to you guys, but I, for my own sanity, feel that I need to write these thoughts down.
Running away from feelings and situations that happened once, contrary to my previous beliefs, is not the answer. I feel like I have in some way alienated myself from people in my life that I really ought to keep closer contact with and who are trying to maintain this bond between us, but because of my wall, find very hard to do. Every time someone gets a bit too close, I start pulling away and pushing them back to the other side of the wall. Over and over again I keep telling myself that I need to stop this way of thinking and that it really is time to let people in, but when you've been running away from situations and feelings for almost a decade now, it's easier said than done.
But it needs to be done. I don't want to end up in a situation where it's too late, because that would be the consequence of my own actions, and therefore I would actually be accountable for the time I lost and will never get back. As I write, it all seems so clear to me, but at the same time it feels incredibly scary to even think of doing so and I wonder why? If I have finally come to realize that I have not caused these situations and that they had nothing to do with the fact that I might have been mad that one day years ago, why can't I let go of this wall and take contact with people whom with I need to do so. Why is it so hard? Self-protection? Pride? Fear? All of these?
There's still something holding me back, but I feel fortunate, that I have gotten this far now, it took a long time, but as I see these words on paper, the thought doesn't seem so scary after all. Maybe I can now finally start taking those baby steps towards the solution instead of visiting the chained gate of these feelings over and over again but never entering. Day by day I get closer to doing this because day by day I realize that time is running out and we really do only get one chance at life and it should not be spent in fear or anxiety but in trying to make the best out of every situation and maintaining relationships that are important.
-M-
Friday, October 31, 2014
Monday, April 21, 2014
It's all coming back to me now
Hi guys,
sorry again, it's been too long... Guess life turned out good over on this side of the world since I apparently haven't had that much time to write :) Now that I've had a little more time at home to think things over and recap these months in Chile it's finally hitting me; in only five more weeks I'll be on the plane on my way back to my other home, Finland.
Back in August last year as I was finishing my work and frantically packing my things, With a Little Help from My Friends ( ;) see what I did there?), haha I thought to myself 'Wow, one year, a long time and it's not going to be easy and it's going to go by so slowly...' Now in April with only five weeks to go, I can't believe how the time has flown. It's a bit ridiculous actually, in a weird way :) In a way I feel like this is my home already, like I belong here and that the thought of leaving for good is totally absurb44, but on the other hand I feel like there is still so much to see and do, that I'm only now getting used to being here and that I definitely am not ready to leave yet.
Even though there is still some time to go, I've had to mentally try to accustom to the thought of leaving. This is why I have had to start to say goodbye to places I probably wont go anymore and to things I probably wont be able to do in these few weeks. Because of this I think the reality has really hit me. I'll go to places and think to myself, wow, this might be the last time I see this corner store, smell these streets and bump into these people. I know you guys might think that it's not healthy you know, enjoy the time you have there and don't think about leaving yet. I know this is true, but I just don't work that way.. I get emotionally attached to places and people very easily which, on the other hand, is a great way of coping, but on the other, always makes it harder to leave and say goodbye. So I decided to write... This post is about me recapping the past months and saying my thank yous and goodbyes to some of the things I have experienced during this year.
Despite my occasional days of breakdowns and enormous quantities of missing home, Chile has been so good to me. I have been really fortunate to meet people that I hope will be in my life forever, you know who you are, to see places a few people will have the opportunity to see and have had the opportunity to live in another country, to find my roots and to do some more of self-searching.
I finally feel like the part of me that was looking for some sort of acceptance, the part of me that was always missing, has been, at least partially, found and filled. For me coming to South America was a very conscious and deliberate decision. I needed to know. I needed to know which parts of me and my foundation came from South America, was I really built of my genes or of my surroundings. What I found rather amazing is, that even though I find myself very odd in Finland, living here has proven to me that in fact, I am very Finnish. It doesn't really matter where your genetics come from - what matters is where you grew up and which people surrounded you. Some times I really have felt here that I do belong. I look like everyone else, finally speak the language fluently enough and this really does feel like another home. Still, I continue to miss Finland and my home and family over there. Yes mom, that includes you ;)
It's funny how adaptable the human race is. I can't remember the last time I was properly settled in one place. I feel like I have always had my other foot out the door, looking for something new and different, for experiences and that missing part of me. Now that I have been here, I'm really looking forward to the future where I can finally settle in Helsinki, well, for a bit at least, work, study and live my life over there. I have always admired people who settle in any place they are with no difficulties and who can establish a life wherever they go. I didn't use to be one of these people. Now though, that I have been living on the other side of the world on my own, I think I finally have learnt the art of this. Home is not always where 'home' is, it's where you and your heart is. If you make the decision to go somewhere, you have to be ready to feel good about this choice and live with it. Like my mom always tells me, 'you can always come back home if things don't go the way planned. All you need to do is try'. I feel that after a few months here, I have finally been able to accept this wisdom and therefore it's actually like leaving home. Who knows where the next adventure will take me, but for now I can't wait to just be.
Thank God for writing. Needed to clear my head a little, feel like saying goodbye is always too concrete and like my mom told me today, I seem to always put myself in a situation where I have to leave. But what I'm happy to tell all of you now is that I am so happy and feeling good. I live in a great city, have good friends and live with people who have become my family. I feel like now I have yet another Chilean sister and aunt :)
Even though I know there will be rough times, home sickness and days when I'll only want to stay in bed and dream of Finland, I will not let these five weeks go to waste and enjoy the time of my life. There will never be an experience like this. The crime I have committed before is not enjoying the present, always looking in the rear-view mirror or waiting for the future. I'm determined not to let this happen anymore and will still continue to learn to appreciate the moment.
Because after all, 'yesterday is in the past, tomorrow is the future but today is a gift. That't why it's called the present.'
Live, laugh and love,
will get back to you soon,
With love,
-M
sorry again, it's been too long... Guess life turned out good over on this side of the world since I apparently haven't had that much time to write :) Now that I've had a little more time at home to think things over and recap these months in Chile it's finally hitting me; in only five more weeks I'll be on the plane on my way back to my other home, Finland.
Back in August last year as I was finishing my work and frantically packing my things, With a Little Help from My Friends ( ;) see what I did there?), haha I thought to myself 'Wow, one year, a long time and it's not going to be easy and it's going to go by so slowly...' Now in April with only five weeks to go, I can't believe how the time has flown. It's a bit ridiculous actually, in a weird way :) In a way I feel like this is my home already, like I belong here and that the thought of leaving for good is totally absurb44, but on the other hand I feel like there is still so much to see and do, that I'm only now getting used to being here and that I definitely am not ready to leave yet.
Even though there is still some time to go, I've had to mentally try to accustom to the thought of leaving. This is why I have had to start to say goodbye to places I probably wont go anymore and to things I probably wont be able to do in these few weeks. Because of this I think the reality has really hit me. I'll go to places and think to myself, wow, this might be the last time I see this corner store, smell these streets and bump into these people. I know you guys might think that it's not healthy you know, enjoy the time you have there and don't think about leaving yet. I know this is true, but I just don't work that way.. I get emotionally attached to places and people very easily which, on the other hand, is a great way of coping, but on the other, always makes it harder to leave and say goodbye. So I decided to write... This post is about me recapping the past months and saying my thank yous and goodbyes to some of the things I have experienced during this year.
Despite my occasional days of breakdowns and enormous quantities of missing home, Chile has been so good to me. I have been really fortunate to meet people that I hope will be in my life forever, you know who you are, to see places a few people will have the opportunity to see and have had the opportunity to live in another country, to find my roots and to do some more of self-searching.
I finally feel like the part of me that was looking for some sort of acceptance, the part of me that was always missing, has been, at least partially, found and filled. For me coming to South America was a very conscious and deliberate decision. I needed to know. I needed to know which parts of me and my foundation came from South America, was I really built of my genes or of my surroundings. What I found rather amazing is, that even though I find myself very odd in Finland, living here has proven to me that in fact, I am very Finnish. It doesn't really matter where your genetics come from - what matters is where you grew up and which people surrounded you. Some times I really have felt here that I do belong. I look like everyone else, finally speak the language fluently enough and this really does feel like another home. Still, I continue to miss Finland and my home and family over there. Yes mom, that includes you ;)
It's funny how adaptable the human race is. I can't remember the last time I was properly settled in one place. I feel like I have always had my other foot out the door, looking for something new and different, for experiences and that missing part of me. Now that I have been here, I'm really looking forward to the future where I can finally settle in Helsinki, well, for a bit at least, work, study and live my life over there. I have always admired people who settle in any place they are with no difficulties and who can establish a life wherever they go. I didn't use to be one of these people. Now though, that I have been living on the other side of the world on my own, I think I finally have learnt the art of this. Home is not always where 'home' is, it's where you and your heart is. If you make the decision to go somewhere, you have to be ready to feel good about this choice and live with it. Like my mom always tells me, 'you can always come back home if things don't go the way planned. All you need to do is try'. I feel that after a few months here, I have finally been able to accept this wisdom and therefore it's actually like leaving home. Who knows where the next adventure will take me, but for now I can't wait to just be.
Thank God for writing. Needed to clear my head a little, feel like saying goodbye is always too concrete and like my mom told me today, I seem to always put myself in a situation where I have to leave. But what I'm happy to tell all of you now is that I am so happy and feeling good. I live in a great city, have good friends and live with people who have become my family. I feel like now I have yet another Chilean sister and aunt :)
Even though I know there will be rough times, home sickness and days when I'll only want to stay in bed and dream of Finland, I will not let these five weeks go to waste and enjoy the time of my life. There will never be an experience like this. The crime I have committed before is not enjoying the present, always looking in the rear-view mirror or waiting for the future. I'm determined not to let this happen anymore and will still continue to learn to appreciate the moment.
Because after all, 'yesterday is in the past, tomorrow is the future but today is a gift. That't why it's called the present.'Live, laugh and love,
will get back to you soon,
With love,
-M
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