I know it's been a while since my last post, but so much has happened in these five months that I feel like I needed this break to try to figure out my head and all the overwhelming things that have happened to me during this time. I'm sorry if this post might seem a bit dark, but as before, when fall arrives and days get shorter and sunlight seems to be imagination, I get a bit more thoughtful and allow myself to process these thoughts, so I am sorry if it's a bit heavy, but I needed to get these words down, for me. So here goes.
I feel like in life things happen for a reason and we either make decisions and decide upon things on our own, or then life throws something at you and you are left to deal with the outcomes of the situation. For a very long time I have tried to take responsibility about things that never had anything to do with me and ran away from them. I felt like everything that happened, mainly now the 'sucky' things, were in some way linked to my behavior and my actions. I took responsibility of them and therefore I have always tried to be the 'good one who never upsets anyone'. I have always tried to be the peacemaker in life and I feel that finally, only now I realize, that I am only accountable for the outcome of decisions that I have made, not the ones that were thrown at me.
For a long time now I have been running away from feelings caused by certain things that have taken place in my life even though I have on some level recognized that things didn't play out the way they did because of something I said or did once. They just happened. Running away from these feelings have caused me to build a wall around myself that only few people can pass. This is all still very weird for me, because all of this is only coming to me now as I write and it has taken me a long time to be able to put these thoughts on paper. I know they might not be interesting to you guys, but I, for my own sanity, feel that I need to write these thoughts down.
Running away from feelings and situations that happened once, contrary to my previous beliefs, is not the answer. I feel like I have in some way alienated myself from people in my life that I really ought to keep closer contact with and who are trying to maintain this bond between us, but because of my wall, find very hard to do. Every time someone gets a bit too close, I start pulling away and pushing them back to the other side of the wall. Over and over again I keep telling myself that I need to stop this way of thinking and that it really is time to let people in, but when you've been running away from situations and feelings for almost a decade now, it's easier said than done.
But it needs to be done. I don't want to end up in a situation where it's too late, because that would be the consequence of my own actions, and therefore I would actually be accountable for the time I lost and will never get back. As I write, it all seems so clear to me, but at the same time it feels incredibly scary to even think of doing so and I wonder why? If I have finally come to realize that I have not caused these situations and that they had nothing to do with the fact that I might have been mad that one day years ago, why can't I let go of this wall and take contact with people whom with I need to do so. Why is it so hard? Self-protection? Pride? Fear? All of these?
There's still something holding me back, but I feel fortunate, that I have gotten this far now, it took a long time, but as I see these words on paper, the thought doesn't seem so scary after all. Maybe I can now finally start taking those baby steps towards the solution instead of visiting the chained gate of these feelings over and over again but never entering. Day by day I get closer to doing this because day by day I realize that time is running out and we really do only get one chance at life and it should not be spent in fear or anxiety but in trying to make the best out of every situation and maintaining relationships that are important.
-M-
