Sorry it's been so long since my last post. I think in this past month that I've been here so much getting accustomed to basically everything has happened that I've been mentally in a place where I just couldn't come up with a coherent text to publish. I had small ideas and bits and pieces on my mind but I just couldn't get them sorted out on paper. But now that I've had a bit more time to settle into the routine of studies, of everyday life here, I feel like I can finally start putting words down, so here again some thoughts :)
In the beginning I was writing about very detailed things that happened over here and I loved it. This is so different from my life in Finland that I wanted to let you guys know everything - I wanted you to see the smallest details I saw on my walk to the bus stop and smell the lingering scent of oranges and cilantro in the supermarkets and market places. But now that I've gotten a routine here, gotten more used to the 'normal', everyday life, I realized that instead of trying to convey only the small details, it's just as important to let you guys know about the everyday things that for me, already start to feel normal.
So, I've started to settle into this family more and more, we actually decided that I would stay living here and I'm really happy and grateful that they offered this opportunity to me. Even though I am used to living on my own and by my own rules, living with this family has done a lot of good to me. A few weeks back I realized that I haven't taken one single of my melamine pills (melatoniini in Fin./not sleeping pills, but natural sleeping help), that I have been taking in Finland a lot, at least one, some days even two per night. This was a huge realization to me because now I can also start digging up the reasons why I can't sleep in Finland. During the last few months I'd sleep 2-3 hours a night and be dead tired at work because I just could not sleep. Here, I've slept at least 7 hours per night since I arrived without any kind of assistance from pills. I think, even if it might sound stupid to someone, that this issue is one of the most important ones to tackle right now in my life. And living with a family again might bring some sort of feeling of security to me that I was lacking in Finland. Thus the insomnia. Before leaving, I was actually scared where I'd get more melamine, because I had no clue how the medical system here works. Now, I haven't even taken the case out of my suitcase and couldn't be happier that I can finally, in many years, SLEEP. and I mean, really sleep. This is a huge revelation to me. And a relief too.
School has been going good, our class is alright, but just as anywhere, the 'new kids' are picked on a little, might the reason be jealousy or something else, I really don't care anymore, I've grown out of it. But having 18 year old classmates when you're used to more mature friends (younger ones, don't get me wrong, I've just always gotten along better with people older than me), coming back to immature girls talking bad behind your back, is something I left behind in middle school, once you deal with something like that you learn to ignore it. And yes, in a new country with so much getting used to still, it of course feels bad, but you just have to lift yourself above it all. Nothing more to add. Despite this, our class is actually very welcoming and helpful. We have a lot of fun with most of them and it's a pleasure to go to school every day, I actually look forward to going. And I think this is also very important. You have to feel good about what you're doing and there's no point in doing it if you don't look forward to it every time.
School over here is definitely more work than in Finland and students are much more motivated with their studies and this shows in everyday life. Homework and presentations are handed in and held on the given date and everyone has their work with them. In Finland we would have 5 weeks to finish a presentation, here we get 5 day, and the next one is already announced. It's very different and we Finns need to pull ourselves together in order to actually get things done haha :) But we're on it, staying late in the library and doing our homework (that yes, I'll admit we forgot we had..) until 3.30am. But we did it, and we do it. Like everything, it takes a lot of getting used to but we're doing the best we can and it's working. Day by day the local customs get more and more familiar and we get more and more used to the way things are done over here.
Before I left, my mom also told me that there will be times when you feel that you're on the top of the world and that everything is simply amazing, and then all of a sudden you come crashing down and sink into a state of melancholy, nostalgia and even a slight depression. This is because everything is SO new, so unfamiliar and so different. Right now, I have to admit, I've sunken into this sort of a small funk... once settling into the local habits more, the trip becomes a way of life, no a vacation anymore. And when this stage hits you, everything seems to fall apart for a moment. Now, don't get me wrong, I still absolutely love it over here and I still have never felt more like at home anywhere in my life, but this is an inevitable phase in I think every exchange students and immigrants settling in process.
Some days my Spanish just doesn't work. I can't say the easiest sentence and I can't understand anything at all. (This because I'm managing with 3 languages every day) Sometimes I even surprise myself in how well I already manage the language. Up's and down's. Some days I feel like this is the best place in the whole world and that I really belong here. Others, I want to cry because it's so different and I just miss the feeling of knowing what to do, how to do things and feeling accustomed to things. Like where I can buy hand cream, where I can draw money from and where I can reload my bus card. Getting used to the habits and customs of an entirely new and different culture is full of up's and down's that I just have to face but right now I'm afraid to say that my funk phase has kicked in. I still feel more at home here than anywhere before but I miss the simplicity of how things work in Finland, the easiness of it all and mostly that I set my own 'cultural-rules' over there, meaning that I know how to act in certain situations and don't have to be afraid of embarrassing myself or even worse, offending the locals. Right now I miss the culture I've grown up in because it's all so familiar - I know what to do. I miss being able to just grab my coat and heading to the center with my friends and just having someone to hang out with.
My favorite sentence right now that I keep repeating to myself is that: ' you really know what someone means to you when you leave and realize that you truly miss them'. I feel like this applies to places just as well as it does to people because of this whole unfamiliarity thing of a culture I've been talking about. But thanks to my mom who told me that this trip will be like a roller coaster ride I had a chance to prepare myself for this and I know to give myself time to deal with these feelings too and not feel guilty about sometimes missing my culture and everything and everyone who is familiar to me.
Sorry, this hasn't been the most upbeat post and it feels kind of stupid to post this kind of text after a while of silence but now that I've felt a bit down for the past few days, I just needed to write about it and share my true feelings to all of you. And I think it's also helpful (if someone's thinking of going away for exchange or for good), to get to know that these up's and down's really do occur even though if your situation would be like mine, where you've waited for a chance like this for over 15 years. They still do occur even though it would be your dream. So as I am thankful for my mom for preparing me for this, if there's anyone reading this who's thinking of leaving, I just want you to be prepared for it too. Soon, I hope, this funk will fade and I can stop longing the familiarity again, but for now, I have to let myself feel the way I feel. For so many years I've pushed my feelings aside that I decided that now I owe it to myself to let myself feel what ever the feelings may be.
Just want to let you know that I'm doing well, I love it here despite the funk, I feel amazing and love the feeling of belonging and am so grateful that I can be here and live with this amazing family.
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Oh and PS. I got on the school's football team :P check it out haha :) -->
To be continued...
Lots of love,
Maria
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